My car broke down 1 week ago today and in that time I haven’t even been able to consider sun-gazing because you can’t see her rise or set from my neighborhood during the safe hour because of the swamp of cement and sheet glass in the way. I’m surrounded by development, and I’m afraid that it’s all going to hinder mine.
This year has been a crazy kind of roller coaster, with high highs and low lows, and bouts of unshakable faith mixed with bouts of resentful doubt. And since Summer died on me it has felt like the screws are being tightened. I am being beaten down, battered by the storm of circumstance, and angry about it. The collective has strings of prosperous days that signal an end to our financial slump, then just when I start to relax 2 or 3 abysmally slow days tank the entire trajectory. This circumstantial shake up has continued to urge me back to my yoga mat and my chanting. I mention that because I suppose that’s some kind of silver lining.
At the start of this year I made a commitment to myself to read a book a week, roughly, at least making it to 41 books in 2014. As I have continued to do this it has been the one constant source of synchronicity in an otherwise volatile an unpredictable year. The synchronicity I am referring to here is in the messages contained in the books. At each stage of my roller coaster it happens that whatever book I pick up next seems to have just the encouraging words I need to hear.
Take today for example. I have been feeling exhausted, under appreciated, and quite disappointed by the turn of events since August that has me counting pennies and working more than full time again. Last year I was telling people I am semi-retired. Now I’m just plain old tired; more than ready to give up and throw in the towel. I am on the last chapter of a small book called How to Attract Money by Joseph Murphy and what do you know, but this chapter was basically a giant pep talk for anyone trying to employ the mystical powers of their subconscious mind to persevere and not to give up. Those words couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I feel myself picking back up the towel I had just thrown in, wiping my brow and continuing down the path set out in front of me. It’s not like there is suddenly a bag of money in front of me. But what is there again is my faith. The words were just the right tonic to create a gap in my minds most recent disaster scenario and allow me to feel hope again. Even as my circumstances seem more and more wild and unpredictable by the day, the single thread of syncronicity that has been constant in my reading list is the support that has begun to renew my faith in the primal force of nature that supports all life, and perhaps most importantly, it is helping me to restore my faith in myself.
RESULTS: I have not been sun-gazing since October 29th, the day Summer died. She was my ride to the top of the mountain, so I take that as a sign from the universe to rest my eyes, rest my soul, and know that the 2nd half of my gazing adventure will be there for me when the time is right.
For now, this is Brian Hogan, 20 minutes and 7 months into a sun gazing experiment, signing off.