DAY 172: 18 Minutes & 30 Seconds of Gazing – My Birthday

pink sunset in CT
Brian Hogan

Tonight, in honor of my birthday, both Brett and Nikki came along for the gaze with me; they were the original two who started this gazing adventure with me so tonight it felt like the band got back together. I’m not in a band so I have no idea how that really feels, but I imagine it’s something akin to the camaraderie and excitement we felt gazing together again, the original trio, before Yoko and our schedules got in the way. It was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday gaze. 

As the calendar marks off another year of my life I realize I am officially an adult. I am 36 today, so you might be thinking “duh, you’ve been an adult for the past 18 years.” But that is not so. I have been trusted by our society to make my own decisions for the last 18 years, allowed to drive and smoke etc…but I have definitely not been an adult. From my fast food diet to my slick-ass lifestyle I have been riding the wave of my adolescence for my entire adult life. Sure I traveled around Africa in my early 20’s helping the poor and needy in my born-again Christian days. And yes, I’ve started my own successful non-profit organization in Los Angeles that helps many sick patients find relief. And fine, you’re right, I’ve been supporting myself successfully the entire time and always had plenty for entertainment and eating out and what many in our society would describe as luxury after luxury. But trust me, I did all of that as a kid. As for traveling around Africa, I did it for the excitement in my youth, the fact that we helped the poor made it fun to explain, but I was a glorified tourist with a merit badge collection who didn’t know any better so I worshiped Jesus instead of trying to become like him. And that non-profit organization I created, it’s a medical marijuana delivery service. We help plenty of sick folks, even terminal folks find relief, but bonus: I get to be stoned all the time too. So in the midst of whatever adult endeavors I’m on, the “kid stuff” is all around me. 

I realized this morning that somewhere along the line in my childhood I told myself that once you turn 36 you are officially an adult. I just remembered this. When I was younger I knew plenty of folks in their twenties who didn’t seem like adults. So in my logical kid mind I decided adulthood must start in your mid-thirties. The matter was settled for me and I promptly forgot all about it. But I think on some deeper core level I adopted this idea as gospel truth. I became aware of all of this the other day when my house guest left and I noticed the towel I had given him hanging on the shower curtain bar. It was a nice plush fancy towel I’d taken from a hotel but never used, in favor of my brightly colored kids sized beach towel, despite it being wafer thin now and way too small for me. I knew I’d grown up now because I wanted the comfort of that fancy drab hotel towel over the childish nostalgia of my bright dolphin dotted kiddie towel. Yes, I stole this towel from a hotel two years ago, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am evolving. At least that’s how I see it. The kid I was had stolen the towel. It was the newly minted adult in me that was going to be using it from now on. 

I notice there have been elements of being a healer in all my endeavors; from the surgeries in Africa to the cancer patients in West Hollywood, to my personal pursuits with chanting, marijuana and yoga. How to become whole and how to help others become whole has been a central theme in my life, and maybe it’s all the pot I’ve been smoking as my journey unfolds, but I’m just realizing this now. The kid in me has been playing with the healing arts like they are a shovel and a pail in a sand box; the adult that was born when I turned 36 the other day is going to buckle down and master them. Mark my words, in a year you’ll be clamoring to touch the hem of my robe. Did that sound arrogant? Maybe that’s because I still have a ways to go. Here in the middle of phase two of my sun gazing experiment though, I feel on top of the world, ready to be on the top of my game, and charged up like a NASA (pun-intended) sized battery! It’s my birthday, and I’m blowing out the candles.

SIDE EFFECTS: You start to want to be unstoppable.

BENEFITS: You start to become unstoppable. 

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.




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