DAY 187: 19 Minutes & 40 Seconds of Gazing

pink sunrise on blue water
Brian Hogan

I could not get myself off the couch to go and gaze. This has been happening more and more the further I get into this process. It’s as if I am fighting my spiritual growth, which is really just regular growth, because everything has a spiritual component to it. The greeting card someone sends goes out with words written on it, but energy stamped on it as well. The glance of a stranger isn’t just eyeballs, it also has it’s own quality, it’s own vibe, if you will. I believe that invisible realm is trying to present itself to me and prove itself, and show itself in no uncertain terms. But I am resisting my own faith, my own blossoming. I feel that way, but in the end I am probably right on schedule and worrying for nothing. Indeed all worrying is for nothing. I have become lost in the midst of this gazing adventure. My schedule has cracked along with my collective and my faith. Money is tighter than it’s been in years, my rent is late, and I’m saving up for groceries. I haven’t had to save up for groceries since we grew up with a single-mom putting herself through college while raising two kids. I am a single gay male in West Hollywood with my own pot business, so what in the hell is happening? My mind is crowded with stress these days. I meditate, I even started a yoga set that I’ll be doing once a day for the next thousand days, but somehow the vice grip of monetary stillness keeps bearing down tighter. I want to be more resolute about my gazing and my happiness. I want to be like J Krishnamurti extolls, where I “just don’t mind what happens.” I’ve glimpsed that serene state of being, flirted with it, but I can’t seem to lower my guard and let it stay for breakfast the next morning. My mind is all over the place. 

SIDE EFFECTS: I skipped it again today so I wouldn’t know. 

BENEFITS: I am aware that it’s most beneficial to remain positive and I try to hold onto that. But shit sucks right now. 

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.

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