This piece was inspired by a writing prompt a fellow coach/writer gave in a group: “Write about something you are a snob about.” So here it goes. My thoughts on what makes really good pizza.
DON’T GET PIZZA WRONG:
The disc must be chewy, and the red drippings must be the perfect balance of tangy and sweet
The melted rubber on top should be charred and not burned, like the chewy disc underneath
I am generally of the idea that when it comes to the hard things in life you can’t do it wrong if you just show up and put yourself out there.
But if I’m honest that doesn’t apply to everything. You can do pizza wrong, and in fact most do.
It is not meant to have apples and walnuts for toppings
Keep it simple stupid and don’t get so carried away with your shoppings
A good classic thin crust cheese can reach the heights of sublimity
While a deep with the works can be a blight if the reason you want it is just fast delivery
There is more than one way to make really good pizza,
But there are infinite ways to make one so terrible it can just demoralize entire civilizations.
Don’t serve me flat bread with goat cheese and pass that off as my zaa
Because that shit’s too fancy and usually tastes kinda blah
Pizza doesn’t go on bagels, no matter what the freezer section of your local GMO factory passing itself as a grocery store tries to tell you.
And it doesn’t come frozen period.
If you have to defrost it, then you’ve totally lost it.
And you might as well toss it.
I don’t mean to sound cold, but if I can be so bold,
If the pizza you’ve chosen starts out frozen
Then I’m afraid a modern version of snake oil is what you’ve been sold
This is a story that needs to be told
Because pizza can be healing, and heaven
When the dough is properly leavened
And it can be the stuff of childhood memory and nostalgia
But not if it gives you heartburn, or the shits or the tummy tum tums,
So remember not all pie is created equal
And calzones are not at all to be considered pizza’s sequel
Pizza is a stand alone film, a box office smash
And it has to be baked with love, not dropped off by door dash.
So if I sound a little crusty, or perhaps a little saucy
It’s because this is very important so I don’t mind being bossy
I don’t normally like to make others wrong, but if you’re using BBQ sauce or buffalo chicken then you’re singing a tone deaf song.
You think it goes in a microwave
Make your dough from scratch, and cook your organic sauce for 8 plus hours,
Then bake at 500 degrees, while you finally take your showers.
Then you serve your bounty, hot and tasty and divine
And create your family memories knowing everything is fine.
And that this is how you dine.