DAY 204: Still at 19 Minutes & 50 Seconds of Gazing

pink water and sun set
Brian Hogan

I am going through a sort of “dark evening of the soul.” I wouldn’t exactly call it a dark night of the soul, because I’m living alone in a beautiful West Hollywood bungalow, making money enough to eat well, pay my bills and have some fun, and I work for my own small business, which is more gratifying than working for someone else. Although I’ll admit there are times when I miss my days as a waiter, not because I like waiting tables, I don’t. But because it was easy, I was good at it, and when I left work I left every single speck of responsibility behind me too. And I’d be leaving with pocketfuls of cash tips, which didn’t hurt either. But ultimately it was unsatisfying and exhausting and left me barely anytime to seriously pursue other creative endeavors like my screenwriting or painting. 

With the collective things are different. I feel like I carry the responsibilities around me in a heavy sack, just dragging it wherever I go. That’s not being required of me, I know this, it’s my own mind that can’t seem to relax. I want so desperately for things to pick up, but alas, they are remaining steady where they have always been. We completely redid our menu and our descriptions, and we just invested $800 more with weeedmaps to be featured on the West Hollywood regional listing page and we are doing more with social media than we ever have in the past. But none of that, seems to as yet, be making any kind of difference in the bottom line. We still hover at just the right amount to meet expenses but not get paid. I am doing more yoga and meditation than ever before, if for no other reason than to calm my jittery nerves. I don’t like brushing up against poverty, it reminds me of the struggles of my upbringing, and my single-mom raising us paycheck to paycheck. I don’t want that kind of struggle again. I want ease, abundance and prosperity. Obviously, we all do. The stress of this slight downturn for the collective has driven a wedge between me and my Sun Gazing Experiment. I am exhausted both mentally and physically at the end of the day and don’t feel like driving up the mountain to catch the safe minutes of sunset, so I end up telling myself it’s okay and I skip. 

I believe the sun-gazing can unlock magical and mystical potential that lies dormant in all human beings. I really do. Yet, somehow the mundane and worldly financial problems have taken up more space in my mind than they are welcome to. I’d like to wash the cobwebs and anxiety right out of my body with a tall fresh glass of sunlight. Hopefully tomorrow will see a more motivated and less exhausted version of me, who will actually traipse up the mountain to connect with the source of all life. I’m six months into this thing, there’s no way I’m giving up now. I’m just on a wee coffee break, is all. You’ll see. 

RESULTS: The sunlight has hooked me, because even though I’ve often skipped these last 8 weeks, he is under my skin, and I can’t stop thinking about him. 

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.

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