DAYS 88-92: 12 Minutes & 20/30/40/50 Seconds of Gazing (again)

orange CT glow at sunrise
Brian Hogan

I have been gazing every day at the colorful New England sunrise with it’s splashes of pink and neon orange as the sun lights the clouds, then the rest of the sky, on fire. Sometimes I think this ritual of getting myself up before the sun and spending a chunk of minutes staring at beauty and mystery is the reason that the sun gazing seems to be working magic on my inner world of emotions. But then the sun opens itself up to me, and I can see the textures swirling around in there, a sight invisible to most because of the sheer brightness of it. At those times I become more certain something actually magical is happening. Magic just means a phenomena that science can’t explain yet, but I believe will one day be able to readily explain. In the meantime, this advanced science of sun-gazing is going to seem like magic to our western rational prove-it-or-it’s-bullshit type of thinking. In the spirit of proving it I can only say this is something you have to try for yourself in order to fully understand. 

My mind used to run on fumes and still be able to run sixty miles an hour. Constant fretting mixed with regretting and all I was getting was the same dead end setting. Now my mental tank is full and my thoughts are clearer, kinder, more rational. I used to concoct doomsday scenarios in my mind about anything form a harmless comment a friend made to the vast conspiracies of the government, from a parental guilt trip to an adventurous road trip, my mind was constantly ablaze with worry, gloom and a fixation on worst case scenarios. Why did my friend say that to me? When is the government going to collapse the dollar and send us back into the great depression era? Will my mom ever let her grudges go? Will my car make it all the way to Vegas? “Probably not,” my defiant and defeated mind would scream at me. “You are stuck in this rut, you aren’t going to go anywhere, effect anything, or become anyone; so you might as well just stuff your face, sit on your couch and go the fuck to hell.” 

We all have some kind of mental jungle gym we try to navigate or “manage” every day. It’s the nature of our culture to teach us to worry, to honor our every whim and irrational notion of life. This deep-seated anxiousness, I am realizing, is not an innate part of our human condition, but a learned behavior programmed into our psyches by the pounding of the televisions, the main stream media’s constant beating of the war drums, and our choices to believe what we are being led to believe instead of what we’ve decided to think for ourselves. Through this ancient magical practice of sun-gazing (and yes I’m calling it magic now) I have discovered that learning to “manage” our mental and emotional condition is a temporary solution, a band-aid. I thought I was managing for years, but that didn’t stop me from experiencing misery due to imaginary outcomes that never do come out. Now as the sun light has chased the darkness right out of my brain as I near then end of phase one, I realize there is a better way to feel, think, and live. Managing isn’t enough; overcoming weak irrational notions and the habitual program to create imaginary problems is the way to freedom. The sun is helping me to heal, not simply to manage. The sun gazing is more than a band-aid, it’s open-your-heart surgery, that allows you to triple bypass all your old wounds and habits and fears and recover your true nature. 

A POEM: 

The Sun is revealing

The answer by healing

so I’m no longer reeling

but actually feeling

and reaching for heights

way up past the ceiling. 

SIDE EFFECTS: None

BENEFITS: I am free from worry. Truly free. Sometimes a worry will creep into my mind but I can see them right away, doubt them, and watch them go. They no longer have the ability to sprout into worst case scenarios that would paralyze me and prevent positive action. Life is good, and that’s not just a platitude anymore, I actually truly believe that, if you can imagine. 

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.

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