DAYS 114-124: Phase 1 Complete/Phase 2 Begins

CT trees and sunrise
Brian Hogan

Today I am about a week deep into phase two. This is the phase that should yield me physical healing and appetite changes. I came back to my Los Angeles home about a week ago, to my pot collective business and to all the stresses that go along with it. The city buzzes at a frantically faster pace than the lazy crawl of Black Rock CT. For the five weeks I was home it was something out of Leave it to Beaver. In my sister’s neighborhood one afternoon I witness that the postman seems to have taught the neighbors dog some tricks which he demonstrates for the owners, who are delighted, and then feeds the dog a cookie from his pocket. I observe this idyllic scene out of the 1950’s from across the street and begin wondering if I’m going to see the milk man next, leaving you a supply in glass bottles and picking up your empties as he cheerfully waves a howdy-ho to Olga, the elderly woman who doesn’t miss a thing from the sill of her perpetually open window. The mail man came up to our porch next and struck up a conversation with my brother-in-law Craig that revealed the mail man knew to bring mail from their old address to this new one and that they had a kind of friendly rapport that if you attempted to generate with your mail carrier back in Los Angeles could result in your getting shot, or at the very least intensely glared at. Half expecting Dorothy and Toto to amble pleasantly home from their frolicking I decided I liked this quaint friendliness and Los Angeles could go fuck itself. I actually was back in Kansas, and by Kansas I mean Black Rock CT, and what I really mean, is home. 

I have been feeling overwhelmed since I got back to L.A, which is why, even though I have been steadily gazing, I haven’t written in my blog. Add to that my ache from missing my new niece Charlie, ten weeks old today, and needless to say, it’s been hard to focus. I felt like stress eating one day last week and actually drove all the way to the Ralph’s to get some Golden Birthday Cake Oreos (my sister and my summer favorite) to discover those “limited edition” flavors I became addicted to in Connecticut aren’t sold at the grocery store here in Los Angeles. I was momentarily horrified, then grateful that there wasn’t a dealer for my vice on this coast after all. This way I can kick that stuff for good. And to my credit I haven’t had one single Oreo (of any flavor) since I left Connecticut. If my sister is reading this, I swear to God, that’s the truth. 

Mentally, I feel like it’s the job of this blog to uplift and inspire because that’s what I’ve been experiencing from Sun Gazing and because that’s also what I expect Sun Gazing to do. So at times, when I don’t feel particularly inspirational or fired up I just skip my entry for the day. There is enough grey in the world, this blog is about the sun, goddamnit. Then I remember this blog is supposed to be my honest renderings of my experiences with sun-gazing, not some obligatory uplifting-platitude-of-the-day drivel, Lord knows, there’s plenty of that crap out there too. 

So here I go, posting an entry when I don’t fucking feel like it! I am deep into the fifteenth minute, yesterday was fifteen minutes and 30 seconds. So every time I gaze now it’s a fifteen minute chunk of my day. This substantial swatch of moments means I can focus and let go and try to empty my mind of the stress and worry of constant thinking (yes, even in phase two that stuff still comes up) and planning. But it’s been the opposite. I haven’t been able to quiet my mind. It rings and dances with the machinations of my hopes and desires, juggling more balls than a circus clown. This unexpected barrage of new restlessness caught me by surprise and has caused new desires to grow stronger. I wan to be back home with my family. Now I’m hoping that teleporting is on the list of magical abilities I can get from sun gazing; because I’d be home and holding little Charlie right now if I could. 

Abra Cadabra! Nope, still in West Hollywood.

SIDE EFFECTS: Sun-gazing is no match for missing your ten-week old niece.

BENEFITS: I just don’t feel like putting anything down today, so there!

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.

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