I gazed solo today for the first time since we started. Brett had morning obligations so he gazed again from the patch of dirt out in front of the yoga studio. And Nikki, well, she was running a little behind schedule. I found myself alone at the peak of our grassy mound atop the canyon watching out of the corner of my eye as the sun began floating higher and higher and shining brighter and brighter. I tried to wait for Nikki but I could wait no longer. I set the timer and looked straight up into the ball of flame. The sunset last night was so dim and gentle that I found my eyes again having to adjust to the brightness of the morning sun. The sun is definitely a morning person because it’s as if he just hops out of bed fully awake and ready for the day, like those cheery “suns”-of-bitches we all know who just hop out of bed awake and already looking showered and refreshed. At sunset he was yawning and tired and the brightness winds down as the sun sinks low. In the morning it’s like the sun opens it’s eyes and there isn’t a trace of grogginess or adjustment in it, it’s all the way on!
By seventy seconds in I was starting to involuntarily squint and whatever little tiny muscles are housed in my brow and cheeks began to pulsate and spasm, not in a painful way, just a little stressed and wiggly. I am realizing that each day I can stay relaxed for almost the entire gaze and about the last 10-15 seconds I am finding myself adjusting; I imagine that the canals from my eyes to my brain are stretching and expanding. It’s as if the sunlight is a snow plow and its pushing its way further and further into my body each day as I stare longer, clearing the road of all the toxins I eat, the lies I believe, the grudges I hold and all the fears I don’t even see. The last few seconds each day becomes a strain as the plow has come up against the snow bank from the previous day and has to push harder to get through. My eyes are being conditioned. My body is being conditioned. The rods and cones inside my eyeball seemed to barely be able to take twenty seconds of gazing a week ago, and now I can stand tall, arms wide for well over a minute with no trouble at all. I am being conditioned, I am starting to think, to become ready to love my life and those in it without any conditions at all. The sun is teaching me about unconditional love. “Be yourself, no matter what that means” the sun seems to say to me, “and I’ll still rise and set and love you every single day.” So as the solar energy charges my solar plexus I think again about how that’s a little ball of sun deep inside of me and that I can be like that too. Be yourself, and I’ll still be there, shining through my eyes, and loving you, without reservations, without any conditions at all.
SIDE EFFECTS: The last few seconds seem more difficult as the sun penetrates deeper than it did the previous day, I squint through tears.
BENEFITS: My eyes seem stronger. What I couldn’t do a week ago (stare for a minute) I can do easily today. The sun is leading me toward freedom step by step by step.