DAY 4: 40 Seconds of Gazing

sun gazing business card
Brian Hogan

This morning I glided up to the top of the canyon in Summer (my convertible), top down as always but unlike yesterday I was feeling ready and excited. I guess thirty seconds was my mental hurdle because after doing the gaze yesterday something in me shifted and I now felt confident that if I was able to stare for thirty seconds I would certainly be able to stare for forty. For some reason the wide gulf between twenty and thirty seconds seemed much harder to traverse than the ravine between thirty and forty seconds. It’s as if the sunlight in me has created a bridge from thirty seconds to forty seconds that I can walk across, chipper, eager and ready. Nikki met me at the top again, but this time, instead of standing at the side of the road we made our way down the path into the canyon, into nature. We found a secluded grassy mound with a perfect view of the horizon, excitedly climbed the twenty feet to the top, kicked off our shoes and dove in for the forty seconds. This time as we were waiting for the sun to appear in its full glory I felt expectant, impatient, because now I’m hooked. I didn’t want to wait a second longer. Any addiction I may have had before has been replaced by a deep and revitalizing addiction to sunlight. 

The gaze went by like an arrow passing through a heart, it seemed to last no time at all but everything was completely different afterwards. The giddiness of the previous mornings showed up again right on cue to escort Nikki and I back to our cars. And I realized that the sun had actually shot an arrow into my heart, it was flirting with me. It was causing my very soul to ache and bleed and yearn for the heights of happiness and peace that I believed were reserved for those who find happy endings in fairy tales and for masters like Jesus or Ghandi. The truth is that this kind of whimsical, relentless ecstasy is available to all of us, all the time. Pardon the expression here, but the sun has shown me the light. 

Everyday the sunlight pools up in my eyeballs and begins to trickle further and further into my brain. And every cell that gets touched by the light gets switched on by the light. Words become more and more feeble in my effort to communicate in english what is being communicated to me through particles and heat and sheets of yellow. Truth can never be fully explained because the listener of any explanation hears only the words, but does not participate in the experience. As the Toltec say “knowledge is only a description of the dream.” This life is the dream and our experiences are the truth. Truth cannot be told, cannot be outlined and broken down and then understood. It can only be known and felt; it must be experienced. Truth is a living breathing thing, and you must introduce yourself to it in order to know it. Trying to explain what the truth is to someone is like showing them pictures of your wedding and then expecting them to remember it like they were there. They don’t, they only know what you showed them, and that’s how it is with truth. I can explain and you can enjoy the photo album, but you won’t know what the sun is really like until you introduce yourself, make strong eye contact, and commit to spending time together. It’s only polite. 


The morning silence and the radiant light 

open my mind and improve my sight

I stare through my tears 

as my spirit takes flight. 

SIDE EFFECTS: I’m becoming addicted to the sunlight.

BENEFITS: I am starting to feel unstoppable and more tranquil than I thought possible in this unraveling society. 

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.




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