DAY 202: Still at 19 Minutes & 50 Seconds of Gazing

hazy sunset
Brian Hogan

I have been struggling to find balance these past few months, perhaps all my life. Since returning from my five week vacation a giant unexpected hurdle came up in the face of the collective. It’s hard to even explain what it is because the collective is still pulling it’s usual numbers, but somehow it’s not enough for JJ and I to get any kind of management pay anymore. I’m working 5 days a week now, also doing some driving again, so I’ll have enough to pay my bills. I’ve tightened my belt and I’m managing to stay afloat, but somehow there is just no extra at all anymore. In the midst of this financial cataclysm (that’s how it feels to me anyway) I have jumped headlong into the collective and trying to make improvements to it, from the menu pictures to the descriptions, to the this newly designed and almost ready to launch shopping cart…but I have done this at the expense of all the other pursuits in my life. I haven’t been gazing, I haven’t been screenwriting or journaling and the last two weeks I haven’t even had time to do my stoned movie reviews (which are actually related to GLM) because I’ve been so single-minded. I believe that all of this work is about to pay off in ways I can’t fully imagine or comprehend. We are on track to have a record breaking month in November assuming the launch goes off, and those kinds of numbers will change everything. I know now that I have to find a balance between my work for GLM and my artistic and spiritual pursuits. I have been fueling the fire of my motivation with fear because of the financial changes that occurred, but now I realize I must fuel my motivation with love. Love for myself, love for what I do, love for life in general. As I practice this balance, remembering to put thoughts of the collective aside from time to time I know I will be giving it the space it needs to grow. 

SIDE EFFECTS: Things are still bat-shit crazy in my world. 

BENEFITS: Things are still bat-shit crazy in my world. The truth is I am starting to realize that the distinction between a “benefit” and a “side effect” is in and of itself an illusion. This dichotomy implies that side effects are bad and benefits are good, but the truth is that some of the more challenging things I’ve gone through have fostered some of the deepest growth. From now on I will be merging these two sections into a section called “results.” They aren’t good, or bad, they are results, and it’s up to me to assimilate those results into my life.

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.

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