Who Chooses My Choices

a vice grip
Brian Hogan

“Self Improvement” Culture poses a question: 

How would I like my personality and behavior to change? 

Well, skating past the implied insult about my inadequacy as I am

I will attempt to answer 

This question that feels like cancer. 

This is a topic I normally would avoid altogether 

You see, I like to think I’m flawless, changeless, and unaccountable

I want to go slower. 

I want it to be easier.

More fun.

Like summer as a kid.

Or vacation.

Or passion. 

Losing track of time, forgetting to keep score, and remembering who I really am. 

I want to run less from my own shadow that I blame on the swaying innocent tree.

Those are leaves, not blemishes, and they’re not even mine, they belong to the red maple that’s been on this planet longer than me

And has more right to be here. 

Does that answer your question? I suppose it doesn’t. 

Well, I want to make healthier choices. 

I want to control my habits, but like rabbits 

They pop up out of magic hats and crowd me like rats

I suppose I don’t like your question. It threatens me. Because.

Because what if I don’t know how to make my behavior change? 

What then? 

Perhaps a better question is how can I do this? 

How can I choose my choices, and quiet all the voices? 

As I ponder this I think there is no “how”, 

there’s just relaxing your struggle, giving your fear a tight snuggle 

and coming back yet again to the right here, right now. 

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About Brian

About Brian

Brian is a Writer, Clarity Coach, Filmmaker and Adjunct Professor who loves teaching and learning, and living in the uncertainty of it all.

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